A Dialogue on Fear | Meditative Diaries

TO LIVE IS TO DIE

dialogue-on-fear

A Dialogue on Fear

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There was a discussion with my friend Stavroula, that started from an inquiry on insincerity and its connection with fear and turned to be a more thorough investigation on fear. I felt like sharing it with you.

  • Stavroula: Do you say lies?
  • Jorge Kapa: Yes, because of fear.
  • Stavroula: What are you afraid of?
  • Jorge: I am afraid of leaving the known, my attachments
  • Stavroula: Bring an example

  • Jorge: That my girlfriend will leave me, that i will hurt my parents – all these i think is justself pity.. when i was younger i was saying many lies in order to avoid hurting them. Generally speaking whatever is psychologically necessary for me (habits, persons, a stable job etc), makes me afraid. And in order to avoid to lose this which i consider psychologically necessary (attachment) i say lies
  • Stavroula: Don’t you think that saying lies is an act of loving yourself?
  • Jorge: I think it has nothing to do with loving myself, i just maintain a fantasy.. how could this be an act of love?
  • Stavroula: This fantasy may help you exist in a balanced way..
  • Jorge: Yet an imaginery, fake balance
  • Stavroula: Yes..
  • Jorge: This balance will necessarily collapse sooner or later..
  • Stavroula: .. but your education and maturity doesn’t allow something different.. during that moment it doesn’t collapse, it seems to work
  • Jorge: It works very painfully, no?
  • Stavroula: It seems to be the most mild choice for you
  • Jorge:  It makes me feel stressed, scared
  • Stavroula: Yes but you don’t have the means for something different
  • Jorge: Yes so i continue in this silly old groove which seems to be a dead end
  • Stavroula: If you abandon your attachment, if you say the truth you will collapse.. isn’t there love in this act of self preservation?
  • Jorge: Who is this that needs to be preserved? Isn’t it the Ego? What you describe here is exactly what i call “lost in time”.. i don’t know that i will collapse, i just know i am afraid.. and i imagine i will collapse in the future (Time) because i am afraid
  • Stavroula: Right, the whole structure is maintained by fear
  • Jorge: So it has nothing to do with love that i am not telling the truth, its only fear
  • Stavroula: Its the nature of fear.. this is the most important thing to talk about.. what is fear
  • Jorge: Isn’t fear essentialy Time?
  • Stavroula: Yes its Time
  • Jorge: The past and its projection in the future, that is fear.
  • Stavroula: We are attached to Time, we are identified with Time..
  • Jorge: Can you say more on fear, whatever comes in mind..
  • Stavroula: … while other moments we are free from identification.. but have we learnt to live without Fear?
  • Jorge: I don’t know how to answer.. surely there are moments where there is complete absence of fear.. during these moments there is no Time, there is no Thought, there is no Fear
  • Stavroula: Once there is Thought there will necessarily be fear?
  • Jorge: No, it seems that thoughts like “i need to wear my heavy coat because its snowing” create no fear at all.. its the “psychological” thought that creates necessarily fear.
  • Stavroula: We are addicted to such thoughts
  • Jorge: It seems that we are addicted because there is lack of presence, awareness.. thousands of thoughts take place and we don’t even notice that.. what do you think about that?
  • Stavroula: Once i  i abandon such (Psychological) thoughts that make me feel safe i feel my body shaking, i feel weak.. i don’t know how to be complete, whole, to exist.
  • Jorge: Is it because you are still identified? Just a moment.. is there awareness the very moment of this thought?
  • Stavroula: Its rising, it doesn’t exist yet..
  • Jorge: Just a moment.. please tell me one of these thoughts..
  • Stavroula: They will abandon me, they will fire me, i will lose my mind, i will suffer from depression
  • Jorge: Lets be more specific, if you wish, it may help.. lets say you will be fired.. lets say your boss is saying you didn’t do your job well and you get panicked, you are afraid that you will lose your job. The very moment of panic are you stuffed in panic? Or its possible to see panic as being a third person, completely detached? Its a completely fake awareness of the fact of panic to just verbally recognize panic and say “oh my god i am now concsious of my panic, how dissappointing”
  • Stavroula: I am aware that i am under the influence of a thought.. yes i see panic as being a third person!
  • Jorge: And is panic still there?
  • Stavroula: Not with the same quality and volume, not as panic.. i am in an.. intermediate situation.. i feel the thought needs to be observed, my thought wants to show me something
  • Jorge: Probably you are not completely detached
  • Stavroula: Probably there is a sense of guilt
  • Jorge: You say that panic has given its place in attention/observation? The world “guilt” is again colored by experience and Time.. it doesn’t sound completely detached. I just ask “are you completely detached from Time”?
  • Stavroula: The content of thought causes worry and if i detach there is a second thought which says “why don’t you pay attention on me” implying the previous thought. And i know its just thoughts
  • Jorge: Now are you completely detached from the second thought? Not intellectually detached, but essentially, deeply detached..
  • Stavroula: There is a bit of fear and a sense of tiredness.. Not completely detached.. probably there is memory of fear..
  • Jorge: Oh my God, you are so much observative. Its so beautiful. It wakes up..
  • Stavroula: What?
  • Jorge: The Other

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Jorge Kapa

The speaker is never important but you may examine the message, if you wish

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