While these diaries are written there is a also an intense movement of investigating inside and outside. I’ve joined several groups, forums, i am sharing views while i also look inside myself, expirement with myself etc. I don’t know how this happened, there is no knowledge of that, not specific steps or tips, but all this movement somehow led to what i am experiencing for the last 6 days. Which probably brings me a bit closer to perceive what meditation is (though there is no intention). I would like to share that…
A FB friend called Manolis Kritikos was passionately writing about this thing called “passive awareness” and this passive aspect of the catchy term, “awareness” probably somehow clicked inside. And suddenly i was able to think and be non verbally aware of my thinking. So no words were rising to say for example “now you are thinking of what you are going to do in the afternoon” but at the same moment i was clearly aware of that thought, there was a feeling in the heart, in the guts, of being aware of that thought, a sensual perception of that thought – or better let’s stick to the words “non verbal perception” which doesn’t imply something emotional at all. It’s important to notice that effort was absent in all that movement.The consequences of that were surprisingly new.. somehow this awareness was draining all the energy of thought and thought was disolving. Again effort was not involved in all that.
Then it became clear that there is a multitude of thoughts every single day, hundreds of them, that we don’t even imagine that take place. These thoughts were always active in a subconscious level but this awareness seems to call them on the surface. And then it disolves them. And when the thoughts disappear on their ownthere is space for observation, observation of the inner and the outer… this is the moment when you are able to see what is, to listen, to smell, to feel your body – again withouth the words! There is a feeling of immense liveliness. And there is joy. And then this cunning Ego wakes up and tries hard to make pleasure of joy.. words rise and words say “Wow how much beautiful is that, i should experience it again and again”.. but an alert mind is passively aware of the new wave of thoughts and it disolves it again.
A further consequence is the feeling that every day is fresh, new, a feeling that unexpected things will happen and all this is so interesting, this introspection is so fascinating.. sometimes i feel it’s like silently watching a movie without getting emotionally involved on that. I am 34 and its the very first time i enter the field of non verbal and it’s so strange and so beautiful.