Is an exclusive relationship an actual one? | Meditative Diaries



Is an exclusive relationship an actual one?

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A few days ago there was a discussion about the exclusivity/possession in human relationship. Yesterday there was another discussion with a friend that related with a married man. Two people, friends or erotic partners, relate.. what is commonly considered as a healthy relationship is a relationship that implies possession and a sense of exclusivity, attachment.. you are MY friend and you should care for me, you should satisfy my expectations, you shouldn’t put anyone else above me, i should be your first priority.. and i will try to offer you exactly the same... in the case of two erotic partners, there is demand for absolute exclusivity, while in the case of friends we could say there is demand  for relative exclusivity (this term sounds a bit contradictory but i guess its clear what is implied with that).Now once two people relate there is huge resistance in the possibility that one of them also relates with other people.. usually people consider this as something completely abnormal, unacceptable, or as a sign of lack of love for the one you relate with. What is the root of this belief, this tendency for possession?

Is it probably that people crave for some safety, for a sense or regularity, routine, for a sense that things will remain stable, things won’t ever change?  Is it that they need to be sure that they will know what will happen tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, the rest of their lives? Is the fear of the unknown that leads people to this crave for exclusivity? Isn’t it that people need to be sure that they will possess/own at least one sexual partner and a few friends in order to avoid feeling alone? Answer such questions on your own.

And is such fear that leads to possession an innocent/harmless fear? Or it necessarily implies pain, anger conflict, misery, retaliations? Once someone succeeds to make one’s relationship stable, not changing, there is necessary routine, repetition.. and then boredom comes inevitably.. so the case is that people struggle for for a secure, steady, repetitive future and at the same moment they are bored. There is huge contradiction because people fight against all factors that may bring any change (like the interest of our partner for a third man/woman) and at the same moment they hate, they can’t stand this stability, this repetition.

Most of times people succeed to conquer a relative regularity and the natural boredom that rises is destructive.. boredom poisons relationship, one can’t even stand living with one’s partner, one wants to avoid, escape from one’s partner and at the same moment one tries to make one’s partner a slave.. such contradiction makes man violent, primitive, dominative. One wants to split because one is bored to death with one’s partner and at the same moment one is scared to death in the thought that one probably will lose one’s partner, one will live alone, which will destroy one’s secure/convenient routine!

So is such relationship, based on fear, possession, conflict, an actual one? Or is it an imaginary structure based on ideals, beliefs and fantasy regarding exclusivity, attachment and possession?  Its urgent to answer such questions, isn’t it?

PS: It’s not suggested here a concept of polygamy rather than a concept of exclusivity. Only question that is put here is whether we can move over such opposite concepts to something completely different, fresh, new, alive..



Jorge Kapa

The speaker is never important but you may examine the message, if you wish


  1. in non or impersonal thoughtless states which evryone wishes to be in even via drinking a or drugs or deep sleep..the conceptual ‘me’ or the intellect itself realises the futility of all its attempts and quitens down, in choicless obervation which is impersonal, witnessing

  2. when i read these comments…i remember the diarie : The role of a Flower…..why can’t we live as a “flower” …he is only flower, has no ideas,dreams, is not jealous, not agressive,not greedy,don’t compare to another flower etc….he is only THIS !

  3. This need for stability, routine n predictability in relationships n other daily life matters which stem from an insecure or fearful state, has a neuronal basis too…The reptilian parts of our brain are wired in such a only in total self awareness one transcends this primitive programming of the brain n becomes a player of life….

  4. I think this fears in the psychological field are an unavoidable side effect of flight or fight mechanisms coded by the brain to ensure the survival n reproductive succes of an individual.As for examples,a simple psychological phenomenon of “stage fright” is the nervousness of the brain in seeking social validation thereby ensuring reproductive success.Or Even when two people are harmlessly exchanging scientific ideas,a rejection or suppression of one’s ideas by the other is perceived by the brain as a threat to that person’s survival n mating succes thereby activating the fight or flight mechanisms again…And we have built our entire culture n economy based on this primitive wirings of the brain,n trying to overcome those fears n insecurity by ensuring a predictive n structured world,which may be good as far the production and distribution of services n goods are concerned,but when those structures try to decide our organic lives,they make life “dead” and “boring” as said in the post.. But not forgetting the protective roles of fear mechanisms -But depending on an individual’s capacity to be actually aware of the threats n push the boundaries of fear,and thats where new things of life happens..

  5. i think this is quite accurate Sylvin, but its possible to passively observe this seeking of social validation and this seeking will probably evaporate…

    all i want to say is, don’t justify our diving in ideas as something biologically inherited implying this can’t change..

    • Yes ofcourse we can definetly go beyond our own primitive wirings of the brain,thru the amazing phenomenon of self awareness/observation/watching together with scientific knowledge abt stuff…

    • Understanding the brain physiology will help us make meditation simpler, it is already helping. We are headed in the right direction because now we understand how the brain functions, meditation actually alters our brain alignment ..

    • If I explain it medically that green tea has antioxidants which prevents many ailments, it helps tea drinkers enjoy their tea, and relish its benefits, they never miss an opportunity to have some since they now know it is good for them medically as well

  6. Thoughts make our life’s very complex, we are never relaxed because we have the ability to prevent dangers and have the ability to secure our future by anticipating and doing something sensible about it now. I need to complete my job today, tommorow I can than complete another task, thoughts give us this beautiful ability to secure us logically. We reject relationships which cause unnessary friction or people have some very strong opinions, we don’t gel with his/her views, so we distance outselfs . I cause myself a lot of harm by thinking negatively all the time. This needs my attention , why do I do this? Why do I think so much rather than being calm and relaxed. Why do I not value my being, these beautiful moments when I am free and have no urgency to complete a task. Why am I not happy when I am free or have some time?

    • i think thought divides itself in positive and negative thought.. its just thought and in psychological issues it just can’t help.. why should i try to avoid people with strong or different ideas? how thought can help avoid psychological dangers? what i write sounds absolute but i am really open in your view Arun, please say more, probably you will communicate things i’ve never thought of

    • When thoughts have humility, they are tools for learning beautifully… Thoughts are not negative or positive, our emotional states produces these contradictions. Meditation heals our emotional state, thought free brain heals our beings, once we awaken our inner joy and love of life, we are stupidity naive, innocent and at times even foolish. But love is intelligence

    • Human relationships use thoughts very intently, some people act just from their beliefs, they lack warmth or are very stubborn, I see no sense in solving their problems in my head, I move on after my work or job related with them is done. They have very strong boundaries around their beings, their sheilds are up. I have to make a living adapting to this reality. Post meditative minds are considered very foolish in society. Serious side effect of meditation…lol

  7. No.
    This maybe true for some but not everybody.
    Intellectual debate can be extremely enjoyable and stimulating – it does not necessarily mean you’re unhappy!

    This is just pure assumption…

    • There appears to be two ‘styles’ of spiritual group on Facebook.

      You have the (I suppose) devotional ones where you see a string of hearts in the comments section. This may be nice if you want a moments prayer or contemplation.

      Then there are the more discursive ones where we talk about it because we have an interest in it.

      Many of the ancients had endless conversations on these matters, for good or bad.

    • Ben Brown not sure.. sometimes there is intelligence that finds things (meditation), even in an online discussion.. then intelligence reqruits words to describe this finding in a form of comment.. i’ve felt, a few times the same feeling like in a affecting, caring live discussion.. are you sure that there is not this feeling of affection for the fellow debaters even behind a monitor?

    • Right now I’m in division because I see myself as separate to Facebook and to you guys – much as I would like this to be different.
      As to whether it’s possible… I don’t know. Ain’t experienced it online yet. A couple of times in person.

    • Ben Brown great description Ben, really! Sometimes i feel you guys like someone i care for, someone i want to hug.. one could say or think this is just fantasy.. there is no proof for what i communicate here.

    • Because even outside of this computer reality in the so-called ‘real world’ the majority of people spend the majority of their time in division. But this reality fb is division within division akin to a dream within a dream. So to think or believe u can operate on it without dividing even more makes little sense. Maybe the focus should be what we do whilst in this sub division that really counts, rather then contemplating whether we’re in it or not ?

    • If there were no division on fb then we should all have up the same default pic…the same name and details, the same location etc…matter o fact we should all be using the same account with the same email address and password…fb world account lol

    • No Jorge im not saying that, we can log off and move into a state of wholeness, or we can log on coming from wholeness. But just as in the ‘real world’ as soon as we begin to speak or COMMUNicate we divide….art is the only way to speak or commune that doesnt require division

    • Lee Daley its more or less what we were speaking of yesterday.. but i think we both saw that art is spontaneity.. i think if spontaneity acts, even on fb, then there is a non divisive communication.

    • In the ‘ordinary’ offline world, when I’m speaking with (for want of a better term) a non-spiritual person, and they communicate divisively, I find it can be easy to be drawn into the same.
      I feel a conversation would not make sense to them if I spoke holistically.
      Of course I can feel the wholeness inside at times which I guess is the most important thing.
      David Bohm once suggested a new language based on the verb rather than the noun, to convey the fluid nature of reality.

    • Its definitely possible Ben…is it likely is another thing altogether, has it been this way before, yes most definitely, its one of the main reasons for indigenous people practising ceremonial rituals…in ritual the false self falls away and all parts become one or realeyes they always were/are

    • Yea most definitely Ben…thing is theres nothing wrong with navigating thru division, its what the body and mind are instruments for, we have to just keep reminding ourselves of this. Practising online to break out of the cycles of suffering makes alot of sense. And spreading awareness at the same time surely doesnt hurt either… =3)

  8. Ben Brown intellectual discussion are fun, they bring wisdom, we share we think and realize great many new things, but when it comes to personal well being, this healing is not sufficient, life is tough for us as humans. We need a cure not just a fever medication we need to eliminate the disease….

    • Yes. But many can’t do it immediately. Some, like myself, find the discussions meditative and I go away feeling relaxed.
      This approach, naturally, may not work for others.

      When not on Facebook I live my ordinary life in a relatively peaceful way. Okay, it’s not Nirvana but it’s okay and could be a lot worse – I’ve known worse times.

      One of my bugbears about this social media site is that people think they can know you through posts.

      I fund this astoundingly superficial, lol.

    • I never judge anyone, I just say what I feel may help me understand mysrlf better, for me these chats are my way of meditating too, I understand life only thru my own stupidities, meditation helps me remain humble , I don’t like these new age Guru’s, they are wise but not humble. Hence not very wise…

  9. Meditation helps us very profoundly, unfortunately the wise men are not able to give us this ability by sharing their own wisdom, hence we are stuck. We know they are wise but I want that wisdom, I don’t gain anything by him being wise.

  10. But relationships as a baby are not of the same nature surely? An infant picks up psychological conditioning very rapidly anyhow. In Child Developmental Psychology it is known as the Transactional Model.
    The brain is known to be capable of altering it’s neuronal structure continuously, based on experiences. It’s called plasticity. As such, psychological fears help restructure the brain and it’s subsequent hormonal actions.
    I think if a very young child does not get the attention a sibling gets, for example, it’s likely psychological fear would be present.

  11. Ben Brown yes, probably this is why very young children is urgent to grow up in an environment of love and affection… if this is the case, such children will probably not develop psychological fears.. you say no?

    ..i think i wouldn’t disagree in anything of what you mention Ben

  12. I don’t really know – would maybe the love have to be total and all around? Parents (or caregivers), family, peers etc?

    If this was so, maybe they wouldn’t pick up psychological fear.

    Unless the river of sorrow, that Krishnamurti often mentioned, is a very deep layer in the substratum of consciousness.

  13. Stelios Kaviris χαχααχα, δεν έχω κανένα τέτοιο σκοπό, όταν βλέπω στις σχέσεις μου να δρουν οι ιδέες, απλά αναρωτιέμαι αν γίνεται αλλιώς.. και βλέπω ότι τελικά γίνεται.. και σίγουρα δεν έχω φτάσει σε κανενός είδους φώτισης!

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