How love turns into a cheap matter of pleasure and pain | Meditative Diaries



How love turns into a cheap matter of pleasure and pain

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We found in a previous diary that erotic love as we know it is a fictitious invention of the mind. There is a man and a woman and in the length of an extraordinarily alive single moment there is attraction, sense of vast beauty. The mind instantly intervenes and creates artificial passion, strong emotions, excitement. And we say “i am in love”. But what actually happens is that these emotions gradually fade. Why? Because memory acts and psychologically registers all experiences that take place. Thus an image is gradually built for our partner like “kind, impatient, insecure, with a great sense of humor”. And another image is built for us, a third image is built for how is sex experienced in our relationship and so on. Once a relationship works in terms of such images it becomes inevitable to actually live each moment. We experience every moment through the distorting image we have for ourselves and our partner. Every unique moment is translated by means of these (old) images so we feel we can’t experience anything fundamentally new.

Being incapable to experience anything new, inevitably comes a sense of repetition, routine which acts really intensively. The relationship that was initially looking very attractive gradually loses all its appeal, becomes boring. And then either we end the relationship (starting a new circle of seeking partner-attraction-excitement-boredom) or we say “it is quite natural.. the excitement is now transformed into something much deeper.. this must be love”.. this excuse, this justification becomes a fundamental base for our life. We passionately defend this ideal of love in order to be able to move on.. So we say “probably this excitement is over but now there is love which is much more important, so everything is fine, i shouldn’t worry about anything”

Thus we continue in this groove feeling utter loneliness (its only the images that relate, not the actual persons). From this loneliness we desperately seek some safety and we gradually attach on our partner. Then an eternal battle begins.. the two lovers fight to dominate each other, to make each other submit, to make sure their partner will never abandon them. Thus the initial feeling of affection and care is gradually transforming in anger, jealousy, even hate.

At the same moment this sense of boredom, this lack of excitement moves us to a continuous struggle to seek pleasure and thrill in substitutes like this game of submission/domination, the feeling of partial safety, the feeling we are necessary for our partner. And obviously once this feeling is somehow threatened we feel pain and agony. And we continue for years and years in this old groove which gradually make us sink into a feeling of vast sorrow which can be covered in the surface with several petty little escapes.. so we casually take trips, build new houses, discover new sex positions, go for shopping therapy, invent new hobbies, find new unofficial erotic partners and when all these are not exciting anymore we bear and raise children, dominate them, make satisfaction of their life – shaking in the thought that some day they will abandon us ..

.. and this is what we call “Life”

Now naturally comes a final question: can we live a completely different relationship, without expecting absolutely anything for tomorrow, without getting trapped in this groove of pleasure and pain, living each moment with all our passion? If we are at all serious we  need to answer this question for ourselves!

PS: Please don’t get emotionally involved regarding what is written here.. just investigate whether all these are true or just a silly imagination of the writer.




Jorge Kapa

The speaker is never important but you may examine the message, if you wish


  1. George, it is definitely not ‘a silly imagination of the writer’. I understand, from the actuality of my past experiences, the reality of the entire movement of what we wrongly call ‘love’. You have made it so clear and comprehensive that anyone who has gone through the entire process and is honest, would see this reality. In seeing the implications of this pseudo-love one would be free from its vicious grip. Regarding the final question you have asked, I would say that it is possible to ‘live a completely different relationship’ through COMMUNION, which is a moment to moment renewal process and has no partner-fixation of any kind. I believe and hope your next post would logically be on that.

    • i had a thought on that Kumar, a few days ago.. do you imply that if a relationship is exclusive (like “this is MY partner”) then there is falseness, illusion neurosis.. on the contrary a relationship that is a moment to moment renewal process seems to be an actual relationship, with no images, no ideas, no identifications at all.. which doesn’t imply that it is not possible to live in the same house with a woman and spend much time with her.. if the whole movement of the relationship is in complete freedom.. hm? do we meet?

  2. That is it, George. If we don’t cling to sensations which get converted to the center ‘me’, ‘my’ etc , every perception is new. The partner one lives with and one’s relationship with that partner leaves no mark in the memory. Nothing becomes old or repetitive or addictive. There is then an ever-renewing fresh joy in that relationship.

  3. and we ask is such kind of relationship possible? it seems it is. we don’t speak theoritically here, it seems it is.. did you experience partially or wholy such a relationship?

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