A dialogue on self observation | Meditative Diaries



A dialogue on self observation

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The previous diary was exploring the possibility of observing the movement of the Ego (self observation) from its very begininning, before words/thoughts and emotions appear which seems to end the whole movement immediately. Cristina contacted me in order to find if this was something I had experienced or if it was just a theoritical idea. She was searching for a method, a way, a “how to” achieve something like that. I pointed out that searching for a “how” makes it inevitable to happen. This is a part of the dialogue:

  • Cristina: Is it so easy for you to observe like that? I ask this because the emotions seem to cover me up and observation ends.
  • Jorge: Not all the time, sometimes it happens. And there is not a method to follow so as to make it happen everytime.
  • Cristina: Yes I agree, but I think in the beginning it needs great alertness in order to observe. Because you forget easily and you become passive again.
  • Jorge: If I observe actively I think I don’t actually observe. Its the Ego that says “you need to set yourself free from all these so try to observe”
  • Cristina: Yes but its not innate to observe passively
  • Jorge: Probably it is innate but our conditioning suppresses such passive self observation
  • Cristina: So you need to get rid of your conditioning
  • Jorge: Yes, but if I try to get rid of my conditioning, its the continuation of conditioning. So I stop trying
  • Cristina: I don’t see light at the end of the tunnel
  • Jorge: Once I stop trying to escape from my conditioning, from the fact, I remain still with the fact
  • Cristina: On the contrary I feel despair
  • Jorge: Despair is born of your conditioning
  • Cristina: It seems impossible to me
  • Jorge: Despair is because you desire to escape from all this chaos. For example if there is jealousy and I don’t try to escape from that I remain still with jealousy and somehow jealousy reveals its futility and triviality. And the jealousy is not.
  • Cristina: If I remain with jealousy I will revolt. I perfectly understand what you say, yet the problem is I understand only intellectually.
  • Jorge: Probably this is the “problem”, you are so much intellectual (join the club)
  • Cristina: Oops, you think so? This seems true. You think my intellect causes confusion?
  • Jorge: Never thought of this possibility?
  • Cristina: If I don’t understand something with intellect is there another way to understand it?
  • Jorge: Yes, you can understand it in the absence of intellect.. without words, just to feel it.. not to say “oops there is jealousy here and this is a problem”
  • Cristina: What exactly to feel?
  • Jorge: The feeling of jealousy
  • Cristina: You mean it just needs to feel the jealousy? Nothing else?
  • Jorge: To feel the movement of the Ego.. just that.
  • Cristina: Wait a minute. But if I just feel it I am afraid that it will suffocate me. I think that to handle jealousy with my brain/intellect makes it easy to control it, to handle it so as to avoid extreme reactions. Do you understand what I mean?
  • Jorge: This phobia is another game of the Ego. You can test it, to remain with just the feeling and see what happens. Probably you will be surprised.
  • Cristina: Do you think that for all these years I am afraid of my own emotions? That I spend my whole intellectual energy trying to avoid them? This insight just came!
  • Jorge: Probably yes
  • Cristina: Oooooh I think I am afraid of my own self. I am afraid I won’t be able to endure the energy of my emotions. Oh God.
  • Jorge: Don’t make hypotheses just find what is happening. Actually, if now there was a feeling of something true, you don’t need to do anything else, you don’t need to try to work on it. Because you will destroy it.
  • Cristina: Heheh, the intellect is coming back. You’re right I won’t work on it, I will let it be. Hehe, its amazing!
  • Jorge: Yes, its amazing there is a sense of immense beauty, aliveness.
  • Cristina: Thanks Jorge
  • Jorge: Don’t say Thanks, you’ve done the “dirty job”. Look now something really interesting which in first sight probably looks unexpected. You found that you are afraid of your own self and there is not a sense of dissappointment or sadness.. there is only joy and beauty, calmness, peace.
  • Cristina: Wow, that’s exactly, I feel like that,
  • Jorge: This is a self observation of a completely different quality from verbal observation like “oh god, I am trapped again in jealousy”. Such verbal observation brings confusion and dissapointment.
  • Cristina: Yeah, right
  • Jorge: Now there is a question.. was there an effort, the very moment you found what you found? You were struggling intellectually for a long time before, but the moment you found, was there any effort? Or it came alone, it just flowered?
  • Cristina: Right, it came on its own.
  • Jorge: Exactly that.. that is perfect, I am so glad.



Jorge Kapa

The speaker is never important but you may examine the message, if you wish

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