Today was an intense day. There was much peace, then anger and while no attention was given to this anger, sorrow filled my body. It seems like sorrow is a product of thought’s reactions to the everyday challenges once there is not in-time perception (awareness) of such reactions. When this happens it seems that the first thought brings a second and this leads to an unstoppable overflow of thoughts that causes a sense of increasing chaos, confusion. The intellectual understanding of this confusion necessarily brings a sense of misery which finally creates this acute sorrow.
So what happens when sorrow takes place? I think panic and fear are usually the first reactions to this sorrow.. And then comes the question.. how will I deal with that.. is there something I can do? Is there an intellectual movement, a method, a trick that works with such situation? So I feel this sense of sorrow and once I use my brain trying to find an escape to a no-sorrow state I struggle with myself.. that very moment it seems that division takes place.. me against myself which is full of sorrow, which is actually Sorrow. So I am Sorrow and i want to remove my very own skin, its the Ego that is Sorrow and wants to be No Sorrow. But sorrow is not something attached to the Ego, so as to cut it out, its the Ego Itself. So is it ever possible for the Ego to achieve it? I may say “come on don’t think about it”, or “sorrow is inevitable, we have to live with that” or “no, it’s not sorrow, i am just fine”. Such approaches can cause a minor relief in pain involved with this sorrow, by hiding it in deeper layers. But sorrow still exists and it burns and when hidden its much more dangerous because it’s much harder to observe it.
So what do i do? I really don’t know.. having seen that the brain can’t help, i am sitting still, not reacting, waiting, watching it for a while. Silently watching it, all thoughts that are arising from this sorrow (thoughts about the sorrow and thoughts about the challenge that finally brought this sorrow) are perceived.. in the beginning perception is full of judgement, disappointment, but while the time goes by it seems that the Ego is getting less strong, it seems non judgemental awareness is possible. In the meanwhile, there is pain, the stomach is in ache, the muscles are tense.. in the gap that appears after perceiving one thought and the rise of another, these body side effects are also perceived! And then suddenly in the length of a single moment everything get’s in its right place. Suddenly you realize there is nothing to worry about.. but this realization is not a product of the intellect.. you feel it deep in your body.. there is nothing you can do and there is nothing to worry about.. once you feel this deeply, conflict ends, you don’t struggle anymore.. you take a huge breath, you finally feel your body relaxed and a strong passion seems to rise, a pure joy, a sense that everything is evitable.. and it’s not the intellect behind all these..