As we enter a room we are aware of what comprises this room. We see the windows, the curtains, the colors of the walls, we feel the smell of the room, we listen to the sounds coming from this room. Usually there is choice in such awareness. We say “This table is so rustic, I adore it”, “the tiles on the floor are so cold, this is unpleasant”, “i don’t like this vase” or “how noisy is this room”. Such awareness is partial. Its partial because there is choice.. we like things and dislike other things, we resist in the things we dislike, we try to avoid them, to eliminate them. And we admire things we like, we focus on them, we make pleasure of them. Thus we are not able to be fully aware of the whole content of the room while we stick to specific features of it. So we see that out of choice there is distraction, focusing, or resistance. And actually what is the root of choice? Isn’t it our ideas? Isn’t it our ideas that rustic is attractive, that noise is something really annoying etc?
Now is it possible to be totally aware of the content of the room with no choice at all? Just to be passively aware of the noise the children are making, of the curtains or the tiles, of the table with not doing anything, not trying to change anything, not to avoid anything, or to focus on anything? Such choiceless awareness could be called attention. Let’s stick to this term for now. We could also say that distraction, resistance or focusing is inattention in the sense that once we focus on something, once we are distracted by it, we can’t be attentive of whatever lies in front of us.
So we enter a room and we see parts of its content and then we choose, like, dislike which is inattention.. being attentive of our inattention (the fact that we choose, resist, focus), we are no more interested in choice because we see that choice won’t make a cold tile warmer, choice won’t reduce the noise made from the children. Then seeing the room exactly as it is, it is possible that the whole content of the room is revealed (attention).
Now let’s see what happens once there is jealousy. The moment i recognize there is jealousy there is also choice. I don’t like jealousy. I strongly believe that jealousy is degrading and painful, there is this idea that i should eradicate jealousy. So initially there is inattention due to the ideal of non jealousy which makes me either not admit jealousy or recognize it, feeling at the same moment guilty, being in a judgemental mood, desiring to get rid of jealousy. So there is resistance in jealousy.
Now what happens if we are choicelessly attentive of the inattention, of the fight/resistance that takes place inside (“no no, i am not jealous at all, it’s just that she doesn’t respect me” or “i have to eliminate jealousy.. i must fight with all i have”)? Once i am fully aware of resistance/choice, resistance reveals its meaning.. it becomes quite clear that no matter whether i resist, fight or hide jealousy, jealousy will still be there. Then i am no more interested in choice, resistance. And then there is a sense of immense beauty, while we are able to see jealousy exactly as it is, which instantly reveals the whole content of jealousy. And once the whole content of jealousy is revealed extraordinary things may take place.
PS: This diary is written after watching the following vid which made clear several experiences that had to do with that: